Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

My god she’s good.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer