Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police