Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
You Might Also Like
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.