Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
No, YOUR illiterate.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.