Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see