Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

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Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list


Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.


Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.


Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”


Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.


Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen


waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.


As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.


It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.


Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see