Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

was Jim off killing horses or…

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

i think both sides are to blame here

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off