STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
