Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

#NeverForget

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school