STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.