Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

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“What do we call this war?”
“The World War?”
“No. There’s already been 1 of those”
“Uh this is a world war, too”
*the streetlights explode*


I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.


Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.


You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder


I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.


John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok


I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.


Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.


Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?