7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
WWE is French for “yes”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.