Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

well this is just bullshirt

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

ok this is my dumbest yet

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.