Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.