Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody