Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
🤣🤣🤣
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?