Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Okay me first
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Harsh but fair
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.