Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.