Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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A short story about romance.
When someone says you are so lazy
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.