Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.