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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
I need better friends
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Strangers have the best candy.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
