Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes