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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
oh shit
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.