@AnExocticBeach

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

You Might Also Like

@23akathelegend

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

@shutupmikeginn

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@Darlainky

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

@PickleRudd

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes