Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
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My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
never forget
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My Sentiments Exactly
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…