Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Hamburger Hinderer.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT