Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
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This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
The funk soul brother
