Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
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my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
he’ll never suspect a thing
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential