Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“You’d better run, egg!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.