Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
So Hamburger help me, God
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.