Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
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GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
set yourself free xox
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement