Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today