Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.