Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say