Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
channeling her this year
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this