Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My background check bounced.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe