Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.