Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

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Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts


It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.


“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”


The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.


A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.


Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.


You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug


You wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.


Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.


Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.