What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
#math
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*pokes sex life with a stick