Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Yes 😂
Real 😅
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?