Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.