Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted