My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”