Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”