Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
yeah 😭
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I would move hell over six inches for you
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
