Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder