Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow