Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

sir, my pâté if you please

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.