Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Pretty much. 🤣

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

early stone age tool

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.