Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

😏😏😏

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.