Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Discuss

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Best spot.. 😅

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What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?