Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]