“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID

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“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.


I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”


[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not


My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.


[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*


I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.


And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.


HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?