@rushoffailure

“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID

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@okimstillhungry

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@BambamVictoria

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

@Darlainky

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

@ddsmidt

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@juliecursively

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?