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@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
@iAmJuddy: "Oooo, a window. Let's see if I can fly through it." - Dumbass birds
@ReneeHooray: Can't wait for it to get dark earlier so I can pick my nose in traffic.
@TweetPotato314: murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
@QwertyJones3: MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.