“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID

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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )


My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.


I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.


“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”


Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)


I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.


Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.


My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.


In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.


Her: You never ask me about my day.

Me: *rolls eyes* It’s not YOUR day, Brenda, it belongs to all of us.