@rushoffailure

“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID

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@metickleu

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

@LouisNel

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

@cat_beltane

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

@Robert_Beau

I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.

@DothTheDoth

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

@LMHPhotog

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@UnFitz

Her: You never ask me about my day.

Me: *rolls eyes* It’s not YOUR day, Brenda, it belongs to all of us.