If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Previously On Persistence 😎
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.