Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.