Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

My circle of trust is a meatball

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Mmmm canned fish.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”