Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair