Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP