Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

True

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*