Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I need this for my side hustle.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍