Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Breaking news:

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.