Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.