Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Help

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.