studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
You Might Also Like
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
lmao😭🤣
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite