Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

🤣😂🤣😂

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!