studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
