“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location