“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
And that about sums it up.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
there’s probably a fee though
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.