Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.