Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

He’s cranky this morning

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”