Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

This is my brand.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms