Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still