Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Why can鈥檛 opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 馃グ
Me: Omg 3 please
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they鈥檙e independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here鈥檚 a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Frog purse.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it鈥檚 actually Sunday
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no