Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
tis the season
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.