Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
You Might Also Like
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”