Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Hey! This isn’t my car!

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.