Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Suuuuure

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”