Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Doug is just Canadian for dog

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.