Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

i feel so bad i refunded him

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.