Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Haha! 😂

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

dark side of the loom

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.