Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.