[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
You Might Also Like
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.