Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*