Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
SPLOOT
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.