Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I am, perchance
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison