Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.