Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

getting seasonal up in here

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.